I have been quiet, I know. My heart has been processing so many things as we have walked the past few months remembering the previous year. I feel as though I have been buried at the bottom of a hill of emotions. Some are really hard, some good, and some healing. Some days I allow them to wash over me and some days I just push them down because I need a break. I needed a break from writing as well, I needed to just focus on the tasks at hand for a while, and let my brain calm down. Letting my brain calm down looked like lots and lots of reading and of course Netflix!

However, over all I’m in a good place. And remembering Ava’s heavenly birthday was a good day. 

As I sit and reflect on the month of January, my 1 year of walking through the process of grief, I would like to share with you a passage in my bible reading that sticks out. 

Mark 2:4-5  & v 9-12

Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

v 9-12 Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the man,  “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.”  He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”

Here we have the classic story of the paralytic who is lowered through the roof of the house to Jesus. Jesus then “see’s” his faith and declares that his sins are forgive. Then He goes on to heal the paralytic man, who takes up his mat and walks home. It’s a miracle! The people are amazed!

I think it can be easy to point to this story and many other stories of miraculous healing in the bible and think if I only had enough faith, He would heal me, my child, or maybe my spouse. 

When we prayed for healing over Ava’s little body last year we knew Jesus was more than able. Not only do I see Him heal over and over in the bible, but He had healed our son Elijah, I had physically experienced a miracle, in my own body and most definitely my son’s. I had stared down death that day and God intervened.  

And now we found ourselves praying for a miracle again. As well as many others who prayed alongside us. 

One night in the quiet of my bedroom as I prayed for a miracle, as I prayed healing over my little baby girl in my womb. This quiet voice came to me, it whispered to the deep troubled places of my heart… the bigger miracle is not healing my little one physically for this earth, the bigger miracle is the healing that would need to take place in my own heart after Jesus took her home. Healing for all of us affected by the wake of this storm and tragedy that seemed to be unfolding before me.  

This was not the answer I wanted, but I knew it was true. 

And as I looked at these familiar verses this week, I saw that here too. The biggest miracle Jesus did was not healing the man’s physical body. It was in the healing that took place in his heart. It was in the forgiveness of his sins.

The physical healing took place, not because of how good this man was or his great faith. We see in verse 9 and 10 that it took place so that Jesus could demonstrate in a tangible way, so that us as humans could grasp, could witness, Jesus’ authority over sin and death. He took a physical ailment, that still to this day we do not have the ability or technology to heal, and he healed it, he healed the man to show His power and authority to us.

Jesus loves to make broken people whole.

Our God continues to be that same great God with power over sickness and death, He does continue to do miraculous things to display His great power. But He also allows the brokenness of this world to affect us so that we can see our need of Him, our need of a savior, our need of something better than this world offers. 

We don’t need to have a super faith to see His miracles, we don’t need to do great acts of service so God will do as we pray. He’s already done the biggest miracle for each of us. And that is the forgiveness of our sins. The grace bestowed upon us at the cross. It’s so simple and yet the depth of the work on the cross that was done on our behalf never ceases to amaze me. All He asks is that we rest in the faith that he has given us. That we put our trust in faith, and not in the works of our broken and filth-loving hands.

Jesus is in the business of changing hearts.

It was true for me that day and it is true for you. The miracle surrounding Ava was God picking up the pieces of my heart and putting them back together. He still is doing that. And it’s all because of His grace. He draws me into His grace and there is healing, there is power over death, there is forgiveness for my soul, and strength for each day. 

Did I want to see the physical healing of Ava’s body. Yes. Yes, I did. Very much. However sometimes God’s plan to make things whole looks different than I want it too. I won’t ever have the answer here, besides that the broken sickness of sin affects us all as we walk along on this earth. But I do know that God has done miracles, and continues to work miracles, in me and my family’s hearts as he mends our wounds and restores us. 

And as we rejoice in the little miracles, we rest in the biggest miracle of all: Salvation through Jesus on the cross.

In Jesus you are a part of His biggest miracle. You are forgiven, you are free, pick up your matt and rejoice.