Here I am sitting at a blank computer screen, watching the line blink, waiting for me to write.
I have been a little scared to jump back into it again. Between my last post and now, so much life has happened. My brain toggles between wondering if I have too much to say or do I have anything to say? Where do I start?
So forgive me as I clear the cobwebs and sweep away the dust, and try to breath some life back into my writing.
Just three months ago we packed up all our belongings. We had many heart felt and tear stained goodbyes. We loaded up our van with our survival supplies for our road trip, and what we would need for the summer. And then we waved good bye to our sweet, little, quiet town, Fergus Falls.
The end of a chapter.
I spent the next two months in my home town, Olympia, where I grew up, where I spent many hours at church, where I learned to ride my horse, where I learned to love the rain and the mountains, where I fell in love with my husband. It’s the place I know the best. I know what to expect there and how to interact with the culture. It’s where some of our best friends and our family live. And summer… ahh summer. It’s my favorite time to be there.
Going there this summer gave me a good amount of time to spend with my family, to let the kids get loved on by their grandparents, and Aunts and Uncles. To let them run around with cousins. To just soak it all in.
But it’s not home anymore. I still love it there, and love the people. But it’s not home. It wasn’t a place I could settle. It was a time of transition. A time to wrestle, renew and find peace in the Lord and His calling.
Daniel finally returned from Alaska from being gone forever…. Ok maybe not forever… But 5 weeks felt like forever! And we again loaded up all of the things… And we said a few more hard goodbyes.
Then we had a chance to take our time and road trip to the other coast. Where we pulled into the fast paced, intense, busy world that is northern New Jersey.
The start of a new chapter.
The day we pulled into town and unloaded our belongings into our cute little house, there was a huge wave of relief that hit me. “We are here, I can settle, this is our new home”
It really has been a huge relief to finally be here. We have been anticipating it for quite a while. And now I can exhale.
One of the things I have definitely been feeling is: overwhelmed. Everything is new, different and finds me out of my comfort zone quite a bit. Switching all of the paperwork, learning the roads, learning how people drive on the road (praying that I chose the correct lane to get onto the correct highway), understanding this different culture around me.
Finding my new normal.
It is truly an adventure. When I think of the adventure, or at least the word ‘adventure’, I often just associate it with fun, and forget that it’s a journey. And while it is fun, the truth is an adventure churns up a lot of different emotions.
I have been really humbled to know God has called us to minister to the people here. To be a part of Christ’s mission here. Part of what is uncomfortable is knowing that on my own I can’t do it. I feel my inadequacy, my insecurity, and my ignorance. I have asked numerous times “Why me Lord? How can you use me? There has got to be someone better suited, someone who is more outgoing, who is more talented.” And the Lord reminds me who I am focusing on when I ask Him those questions, and I am reminded of where I’m putting my faith, versus where I should put my faith.
What I’m really doing when I ask, ‘why me?’ is putting my faith in myself, and that’s when I doubt and become anxious.
I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I haven’t had many moments of doubt and struggle. That when I looked up at the mountain of what needed to get done I wanted to turn around, throw in the towel, that when I looked at how many miles I needed to go I wanted to crawl back into my bed. (Side note: And let me tell you, when you haven’t slept in your own bed for over two months, it’s like a dream crawling back into your bed for the first time.) I once told Daniel “I am not moving, I do not want to have to find another doctor for the kids! I like this one.” He laughed at me… I laughed at me.
A picture that has been brought to my mind over and over these past few months, is a little girl that is holding her father’s hand as he walks with her and leads her. She is carefree, trusting and happy to be with her father.
I need to be that little girl.
She takes her heavenly fathers hand and lets Him lead. I have a perfect, good heavenly Father that I can trust with everything. I may be imperfect and inadequate, but my Father is not. And while I may be powerless, my Father is not. He has called us here, and all the ministry and growth that we pray comes, will be because of Christ. I can let the weight of my self-reliance fall off my shoulders and I place my hand in Christ’s. I can take steps forward, knowing that His plan will succeed regardless of my shortcomings.
So, here’s to my new chapter in life! Here’s to new experiences and growth! It will probably take me the year before I can put away the Garmin and stop being stressed at the intensity of the grocery shoppers at Trader Joes and Costco! But I’ll get there.
I just have to mention a few things I’m loving (in no particular order), the bagel place right up the street on Washington, it’s delicious. I’m loving the parks, Van Suan was so much fun with the kids. I’m loving that the library is right across the street. I’m loving that NYC is so close. I’m loving the diverse culture. And the last thing I’ll list but certainly not least, is the people, our church. They have been such a blessing to us already and we are so excited to partner with them in ministry.
God is good. All the time. Even in this new chapter.
Especially in this new chapter.
Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths.
Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
For You I wait all the day.
Remember, O Lord, Your compassion and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they have been [a]from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
According to Your lovingkindness remember me,
For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord.